Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
