I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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