thus making me awesome and them whores
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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