Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
