There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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