God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
