Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
