I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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