you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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