I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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