If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
