my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
