i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
