I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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