two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
