that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
