he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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