Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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