Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
