So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
