I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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