you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
