You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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