the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
