so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
