No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
