I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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