hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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