Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
