What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
