I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
