its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
