Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
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There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
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Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.