I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?