So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
