my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
