Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
