Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My vagina is officially offended.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
