I am in a vortex of obligation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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