You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
