Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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