I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
