I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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