i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
