I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
