im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Drunk is not a location!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
