she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
