Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
