im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
