I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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