I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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