I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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