what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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