i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
