im six kinds of drunk right now
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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