i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
