Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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