here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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