I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
