I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
