i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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