we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
