the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
