On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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