Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
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i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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