if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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