Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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