I wish you could order shots online.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
